Maggie's Awesome Column In the Newspaper

Maggie Sotos from Gustavus wrote an awesome column in our school newspaper, and I just have to share it... it made me giggle.

"Captain’s Log, Star Date Tuesday, Nov. 25; 2:00 p.m.:
As my last class concludes, I begin the great migration from St. Peter, Minnesota, to Elmhurst, Illinois, a lonely outpost of the greater Chicago land Star System. The occasion: the Festival of Giving Thanks. The distance: seven hours by automobile (although if a parental unit is driving, local speed limits will be observed and increase the travel time). The route: primarily I-90/94. My journey today will be long and perilous; I pack a Sprite and Nerds on a Rope for sustenance.

Captain’s Log, 2:45 p.m.:
I pass Loon Lake in Waseca and once more am bitterly disappointed by the lack of loons. In all four years of traveling this road, I have never once seen a loon on Loon Lake. I briefly consider filing a complaint with the city, stating grievances of “False Advertising” and “Getting Maggie’s Hopes Up.”

Captain’s Log, 3:30 p.m.:
As I near Rochester, MN, I officially count my twentieth pro-life billboard. I am shocked to learn, from an enlarged photograph of an exuberant, laughing baby, that humans possess fingerprints seventeen days after conception. Thank God my informed decision-making is based on disturbingly magnified pictures of something with no control over its bowel movements.

Captain’s Log, 4:45 p.m.:
This is the fifth deer I have seen strapped to the back of a truck in the last ten minutes. I must be nearing Wisconsin.

Captain’s Log, 5:00 p.m.:
Indeed, my vehicle crosses the state line. I report my location to the Mother Ship. She is thrilled I am doing well, but tells me I must be driving too fast if I am already out of Minnesota, and I need to slow down, Margaret, do I want to be in an accident?

I pick up dinner in Lacrosse. Although the sandwiches at Panera are my first choice, I will be on the road whilst eating. Therefore, it is McDonald’s easy-to-handle-while-driving burgers that receive my business. I know its workers receive terrible and unequal wages, that its animals are poked in the eyes with sticks and called mean names, or something equally inhumane. I feel slightly guilty for patronizing the industry, so I wash it all down with an ice-cold Coca-Cola. After all, if I am going to be socially unjust, why half-ass it?

Captain’s Log, 7:00 p.m.:
The boredom of highway driving begins to set in. The radio is out (meaning it has picked up nothing but country and Christian rock for the last hour). I have already used up my Ira Glass’ This American Life and Radio Lab reserves. I now turn to the galaxy’s most reliable Road Trip companion: Harry Potter on tape. A few minutes of this anthology will have the most apathetic driver gripped with emotion, yelling into an empty vehicle, “No, Harry, DON’T go into the third floor corridor!” “No, Umbridge, DON’T punish Harry with the Cruciatus Curse!” or “No, J.K. Rowling, DON’T write such a vague and abstract Epilogue!” My spirit is rekindled, and the expedition home continues.

Captain’s Log, 7:30 p.m.:

I enter Illinois and pay my first toll. I will pay three more in the next hour and a half. I report in again to the Mother Ship and brief her on my coordinates. The Matriarch reminds me I must be speeding like a bat out of hell if I’m already in Illinois and to slow down, for Christ’s sake.

Captain’s Log, 8:00 p.m.:
Harry Potter on tape concludes, and with no other forms of entertainment in the car, I am forced to sit and hear myself think. I find myself going mad from the silence, and desperately dig about in the backseat for something to listen to. I find N*SYNC’s first CD from fifth grade. After a few tracks, I turn it off and return to the silence.

Captain’s Log, 9:00 p.m.:
My vehicle arrives at the Mother Ship. It is littered with McDonald’s, Harry Potter tapes, pre-moistened towlettes, and it reeks of my body odor. As I walk in the door, seven hours after I began my tri-state voyage, I am barraged by hugs and chidings of how I got home so soon, how fast I must have been going, I am probably a reckless lead foot on the road and a hazard to my own health, I’m going to give my parents heart attacks, do I want to put my mother in an early grave after all she’s done for this family, get inside, they’ve missed me.""

The Eternal Battle Between Man and Woman

Okay, maybe that title is a little dramatic...


There is a struggle, though.

This is a struggle that is based on two assumptions: One, that men should always be able to fix everything; Two, that women will always yearn for independence from men.

It's true that men want to be the problem-solver, the bread-winner, and the handy-man around the house. There are probably a million psychoanalytic interpretations of this, but I will stick with my own conclusion. I think that a man tends to measure his worth by what he can do for his family and friends. Nothing wrong with that... until the independent woman walks into his life.

The independent woman wants to buy her own power tools, make her own money, and fix her own plumbing. If a man says "Do you want help with that?" she becomes defensive because she perceives that he implies she's weak and can't do it herself, when actually, he probably just wants to fulfill his own perceived role as a problem-solver.

So what do we do with that? I mean, really?

There has to be a balance of understanding within the relationship in order for this to work correctly.

I was at home on Saturday and I made soup for everyone for lunch. Turkey Noodle Soup. I had decided to make biscuits and let my younger siblings make shapes with the cookie cutters. Well, it turns out I probably should have used a little less flour, because they ended up being a little dense. I put a couple in the soup to liven them up a little. I made the mistake of calling them "dumplings" in front of my father. I vocalized the fact that I didn't make them correctly, so they sucked. This is where my dad starts in on it:

"Did you use enough milk?"
"Well, actually, I didn't intend on making dumplings. It's just flour and water. I was making biscuits but I threw a couple in the soup."
"Did the dough have a sticky consistency to it?"
"No. I didn't plan on making dumplings, so it was pretty dense."
"There's probably not enough water in the soup to make dumplings."

Okay, so I got a little tired of trying to argue my point that I really didn't mean to make dumplings. I meant to make biscuits. I put the biscuits in the soup because they were gross by themselves. My father tends to do this a lot. That is, ask a load of questions that would make anyone feel like an idiot if they weren't careful.

I was careful. I know my dad too well to think that he thought I was just dumb. He just wanted to be the one to evaluate the situation and solve the "problem."

So the way I see it, there has to be an understanding of the two assumptions I started with. Women have to realize that men will say and do things that sound demeaning, but in all reality, they really want to help. Men have to know that women can and will believe that men are trying to rule over them, and they will lash out when men try to help them.

That's the best I've got.